Natural Upgrade Path
Appeared in Volume 6/3, August 1993
Come on people: you are all missing the most obvious upgrade path to the most
powerful and satisfying computer of all. The upgrade path goes:
- Pocket calculator
- Commodore Pet, Apple II, TRS 80, Commodore 64, Timex Sinclair (Choose any of
the above)
- IBM PC
- Apple Macintosh
- Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)
- Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)
- Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)
And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:
GRADUATE STUDENTS
Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly graduate
students. Imagine the advantages:
- Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have students. You can easily
add more power by promising more desperate undergrads that they can indeed
escape college through your guidance. Special student units can even handle
several tasks on their own!
- Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or mouse again. Just
mumble commands and they will be understood (or else!).
- No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every student comes
complete with all hardware necessary. Never again fry a chip or $10,000 board
by improper installation! Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it
writing utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous end) and off
it goes.
- Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in your Beta 9900,
causing all of your work to go the great bit bucket in the sky? This won't
happen with grad. students. All that is required is that you give them a good
whack! upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run good
as new.
- Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. Doesn't work too
well, because your machine just sits there and ignores you. Through the grad.
student abuse module you can put the fear of god in them, and get results to
boot!
- Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years after you bought
your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new faculty member on the block sneered at
you because his FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your dinosaur?
This doesn't happen with grad. students. When they start wearing and losing
productivity, simply give them the PhD and boot them out onto the street to
fend for themselves. Out of sight, out of mind!
- Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane equivalent - Jolt
Cola) and typically consume hot spicy chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes,
or completely synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary to
plug the student into the wall socket (although this does get them going a
little faster from time to time).
- Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be performing too
well, consider adding a handy system manager or software engineer upgrade.
These guys are guaranteed to require even less than a student, and typically
establish permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know they are
around! (Which you certainly can't say for an AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz
space-heater sitting on your desk with its ten noisy fans....). Note however
that the engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as incessant muttering at
nobody in particular, occasionaly screaming at your grad. students, and posting
ridiculous messages on world-wide bulletin boards.
So forget your Babbage Engines, abacuses (abaci?), PortaBooks, DEK 666-3D's,
and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the future is in wetware, so
invest in graduate students today! You'll never go back!
Christopher Lishka
lishka@dxcern.cern.ch